Zebras on the Highway

So today traffic was stopped on the connector. Why? There was a zebra loose. Did he come from the circus? Wellll nobody's laid claim to the little guy just yet.

Here's a slide show of the Zebra's capture: http://www.wsbtv.com/slideshow/news/22604732/detail.html

So, since there are wild animals roaming the streets, I hate (and love) Atlanta.

Reason #9: Beep Beep Blog

From MannDubinBlog: Blog Wars, Episode 1: The Response.

(One of our interns peeing on the Beep Beep Blogger)

Ok folks. It's been a while since you've heard from us, but that's simply because...well I've got nothing to offer. Sorry.

In fact, we wouldn't even be writing to you had it not been for this OTP child-molesting turd burglar. Seriously- this mofo has the cajones to challenge us and call MannDubinBlog a "douche?" We're here to discuss why the Beep Beep Blogger needs to quit hating.

So this "native Atlantan" decided to respond to our Why I Hate Atlanta blog. First, he offers that traffic is only bad outside the perimeter. Really bro? Take a ride down Dekalb Ave around 5PM and talk to me then. Better yet, ride your bike down Dekalb Ave then talk to me. More on that later.

Second, he asserts that there aren't too many Peachtrees in Atlanta. This indicates that he's much too busy touching children as they get off the Gwinnett County school buses instead of opening his eyes. Hit me up from the Shell station at Peachtree St. and Peachtree Cir., douche.

Third, he asserts that business turnover isn't a problem, or that it's at least limited to Cobb County. This man has obviously never spent any time inside the perimeter, or he'd have fond memories of places like I.F.O in L5P or Mulligan's in Decatur (Home of the Luther Burger). If he hasn't left his house to arrive at a closed-down restaurant then this mofo is obviously not a native Atlantan. Explain yourself, douchebag.

Fourth, he explains that he believes there is a significant population of native Atlantans remaining in the city. DUDE, you've got to be kidding me. I'm not talking about OTP folks anymore, I'm talking about the fact that most people you meet have moved to Atlanta from other places around the country. That's a fact, homie, talk to Shirley Franklin. Douche-nozzle.

Fifth, he is correct in his assertion that MARTA sucks. But he's a damned liar if he says he rides regularly. Want to find me, Mr. Jimmy James? Look for me on my bike or the #6 every fu**ing day because I choose to live without a car- I promise that you wouldn't last a week. Try living without your mom's car for a change, and come find me. You think I'm kidding? When was the last time you took MARTA? They changed the names of the rail lines MONTHS ago, and anyway, the rail system doesn't even count. Take a bus and let me know how that experience is. Here's a tip: get to your stop early, and be ready to arrive at your destination late. Here's a pic from the blunt-smoking dice game that went down at the Five Points station last Friday at 10:00PM:

Alright, Mr. Jimmy James. I challenge you to prove yourself because I don't believe a word you say. AND, last, but not least, you hated on MannDubinBlog before you even looked at the fact that we maintain a blog called Why I Love Atlanta. You're an idiot, and your mother should have seen a second doctor after the botched abortion.

Up yours,

MannDubinBlog

Reason #8: It's flooded, stupid.

Now get your ass to Atlanta Flood to laugh at the expense of others.

Reason #7: you could die at any moment

MannDubinBlog covers breaking news!

Today at approximately 12:15 PM the 4th floor of a parking garage collapsed at 5th and Spring Streets. Luke Jarvis was in his car in the garage at the time and was interviewed by MannDubinBlog immediately after. He said if he hadn't been driving his Transformers car there is no way he could have survived being crushed by tons of steel and concrete.

His car is specially equipped with digging equipment and an earth mover, so he was able to escape relatively easy. Oddly enough, however, Luke said he thinks this was the work of Optimus Prime trying to destroy his Decepticon named Garbotron. If this is in fact the case, we all have a lot to worry about.

In addition to the threat of death from collapsing parking decks and Decepticons, there's always the risk of being robbed at your local Chuck E. Cheese. Since the City of Atlanta is always coming up with new ways to kill you, I hate Atlanta.

P.S. Sorry about the lack of photographic evidence, but we all know how Transformers feel about having their pictures taken.

Reason #6: That Guy, take 1

We here at MannDubinBlog stand in support of alternative forms of transportation, but we have our limits. Hybrids? Love ‘em. Smart Cars? Like ‘em. Scooters? We’ll deal with ‘em. Mini-ATV’s on our sidewalks? No way, Jose.

This picture was taken on a street in the neighborhood where we grew up. It’s a nice, middle class neighborhood with pretty lawns, lots of trees, and sidewalk lined streets. That’s the thing: these sidewalks lining the streets are not meant to be cluttered with grown-ass men on ATVs. I mean, this can’t possibly be legal, first of all. Second, where is this guy coming from and where is he going that the charge on his power wheels is sufficient? And, couldn’t he have walked?

I’d have sympathy for this guy if he were 8 years old. Instead, I’m kind of perturbed because it’s more likely that this is his DUI-mobile until he gets his license back. Come on, guy, spend the $1.75 and take the bus. You’d look a lot cooler.

Because the people seem to think that this kind of thing is OK, I hate Atlanta

Reason #5: Kudzu

Iran getting the bomb. Terrorists stealing Pakistan's nuclear arsenal. Global warming. Barbara Walters. Are these threats to national security? Maybe. But the threat to Atlanta is one word with a z: Kudzu.

It takes over our yards, forests, and homes. It's been said to be able to help you quit smoking. Am I talking about Dos Equis' Most Interesting Man in the World? No. Again, I'm talking about Kudzu.

I'm sick of seeing Kudzu along every inch of our highways. We must do something! MannDubinBlog submits that this is an effort of the Japanese government to destroy our civilization. We won't stand for it. That's why we're writing this from a boat headed to Japan. What are we taking with us? Not guns or bombs, but cotton. Do you have any idea how bad that shit is for the soil? Just wait, Japan, we'll have our revenge yet.

In the meantime, what are we to do about this beast that grows up to 2 feet per day? Nothing. There's not a thing that we can do because Georgia is a perfect breeding ground for this animal. So, since there's no end in sight, I recommend making yourself a cup of Kudzu soup and figuring out how you'll keep the Kudzu away from your wife and children.

Because its second destruction won't come from fire as in the civil war, but from a simple leafy plant, I hate Atlanta.

Reason #4: It's not that they're bad drivers...

...it's that they're f***ing dumb.

Reason #3: Bugs

One of the worst thing about Atlanta is the bugs. They are everywhere! Inside your apartment, outside your apartment, at the park, not at the park. Come on! WTF, God??? Such a beautiful day like today (80 degrees and sunny, no clouds) can be RUINED by a sting or bite from one of these hideous creatures.

The picture above was taken by one of our writers after a fierce battle in which the writer was victorious. Barely. He had to put up a hell of a fight with the newest in tennis racquet technology. Luckily for MannDubinBlog, he succeeded in ending the miserable life of this terrible antagonist.

Seriously, though, bugs in Atlanta are wack. I mean, sure they have worse bugs in places like Africa and Asia, but this ISN'T Africa or Asia. This is America. And in America we don't tolerate obstinance from anyone- people, animals, or bugs. Do they have bugs like this in New York? I've never been so I doubt it. Do they have bugs like this in San Francisco? Maybe, but they probably do a lot of drugs so the bugs are much more chill. Or at least the people do more drugs so they're cool with the bugs. You know, one with nature...WOAH. I almost feel high just talking about it. Forget that.

This is Atlanta, and I hate bugs. Since Atlanta is full of 'em, I hate Atlanta.

Reason #2: It's like living in the 19th century

This morning all of the traffic lights were out in the area around Emory University (where I live). Better yet, the only police on the scene seemed to be intent on driving through the intersections as many times as possible without stopping to help direct traffic.

OK, so that sucks, but it happens everywhere. I know. The difference here is that this same thing happened less than two weeks ago. So in the midst of a beautiful spring day Atlanta drivers were forced to suffer more than usual. It gets worse.

Since people in Atlanta have NO IDEA HOW TO DRIVE, no one knew what to do at each intersection. Half of the people drove straight through. A quarter of the people drove into the intersection, blocked cars traveling across the intersection, and then proceeded through anyway. The final quarter of the people were so confused by what they were seeing that they just stopped and let several cars through before continuing.

IF A TRAFFIC INDICATOR IS OUT, TREAT THE INTERSECTION AS IF IT WERE A FOUR WAY STOP. C'mon, folks. This is madness.

Because the services in Atlanta wouldn't suffice in a town half its size, and because the people don't understand very simple traffic principles, I hate Atlanta.

Reason #1: It's the South

We were both born and raised in Atlanta, Georgia. Remember- that's not our fault ('tis the fault of the birth-givers). At times Atlanta can seem like the 7th layer of hell; when it's hot and muggy, cold and rainy, or any time you're unfortunate enough to be stuck behind the wheel of a car.

There's also the fact that Atlanta happens to be located in the South. This is such a shame because it means on top of all its other problems, Atlanta is also filled with southerners. These people, I've come to realize, LOVE to share their "patriotism" via bumper sticker. Check out this guy:
I mean, come on! I can't imagine riding behind this guy for a minute (besides the annoyance of the bumper sticker, I bet you'd get dip-spit on your windshield).

So, if Atlanta were located anywhere outside the south, this post may not have been necessary. But, alas, Atlanta is stuck in the middle of Georgia, where the only thing more red than our clay is our politics. So, for being filled with stereotypical southerners, I hate Atlanta.